The Lambda Ampersand Award for LGBTQIA+ Writing is provided in partnership by Lambda Literary and the National English Honor Society (NEHS). The award recognizes outstanding creative writing by NEHS student members representing or celebrating the LGBTQIA+ community. We’d like to congratulate E.G., author of “Failure” on their 2nd place honors for the 2025 award.
FAILURE
by E. G., Florida
My brain is a constant spiral,
There is no beginning and no end,
Yet there is always that hope that one day it will cease to exist.
The thoughts running through my head:
“Why can’t you be normal?”
“Why do you have to think such things?”
“What would your parents think of you if they found out?”
It’s a second person,
A devil on my shoulder always guiding me to the easy way out.
Why does it have to be the easy way out?
There shouldn’t be a reason why I have to be ashamed of myself,
There shouldn’t be thoughts of my parents, wondering if they will still love me,
Yet why do I feel like such a failure?
Why do I have to exist in this constant state of peril, wondering if I will ever be accepted,
Wondering if the ones that truly love me will still love me when they find out who I really am,
Why, why, why, why, why?
It is only ever questioning, and with that knowledge, I still continue to question why,
Why am I the way I am.
I’ve always been the model student, the older sister with ambitions that few ever begin to think of,
And yet, I feel like I am a failure.
It’s almost as if it’s a stain on the perfect white canvas that I call my life, and the more I clean it, the stain spreads.
“It’s fine if it’s someone else, but it could never be my children.”
A phrase stated too often than not.
Why can others live free of prejudice from you, but your own child lives in fear of your thoughts?
It’s a constant battle of back and forth; do I rip the bandage off and get it over with,
Or do I bottle it up with all the other emotions that would only end in judgment?
I know it’s unhealthy, but it’s what will maintain peace in a house of cracked glass.
I’m mentally not okay, and I haven’t been for a really long time.
I thought that one day it would get better, but that was years ago.
These terrible thoughts of wishing to be normal only worsen,
I’m just so tired.
I’m tired of feeling lost, worthless, and numb.
The loneliness I feel never goes away,
Maybe I was just never made to be happy.
I feel as if I have to stop lying to myself and accept that nothing is ever going to change,
Life will continue to move on, while I stand back as I watch everyone.
This wasn’t the life that I thought I would have all those years ago,
Yet here I stand questioning my existence.
If my parents aren’t proud of me, then what is the point of life anyway?
Grades are the only things that matter: why try and strive for anything else?
Love has always been in the back of my mind, but it’s chained, and the key was lost a long time ago.
It’s crazy to imagine that loving someone could upset someone else so much.
Imagine getting so worked up over someone’s happiness because you’re jealous of what they have.
The sad thing is that it doesn’t have to be imagined, it’s a sad truth.
Who knows, maybe one day people will be able to love who they want to love,
Maybe “Coming Out” will be a thing of the past,
Maybe parents will be inviting their child’s partner over for dinner without any questions,
But those are just fairytales, and happiness is a foreign ideology.
Unless that fateful day comes where the world can finally be at peace,
I will have to remain silent and move with caution,
One wrong word and I’m an outcast, destined for failure in the eyes of my family.
To them I would be a failure, and I can’t bring myself to hurt them.
To learn more about the Ampersand Awards, visit: nehs.us/awards-grants/student-opportunities/lambda-lgbt-award/
